I have been bullshitting myself for a long time, that I am not particularly dysphoric about my body.
I have been working on a lot of other important stuff, and have been pushing down all kinds of feelings. Lately, because I have started making progress again.. my feelings are coming out like an avalanche. (all it takes is one flake!)
I was looking at dress designs earlier and came across this picture. I know she is a lot younger and super pretty. But that body. I am just heartbroken. Longing. That is what I am supposed to look like. Whining a lot today. 🙁
I have been referring to recent weeks as my “Second Coming Out”. Which is a little strange. I have identified as Hyacinth for 8 years. But I really have de-transitioned quite a LOT and just have been hiding out in my cave, working on my noggin for the most part, and limiting my exposure to people.
The reason I am referring to it as coming out again. I am dressing overtly feminine again. For a long time I just really covered up, wore a hoody, put my hair back in a ponytail when I went out. Kind of like a dude burka. Trying to remain invisible. 🙁 I am remembering why now.
My Partner thinks I am imagining things, it’s all in my head. But she doesn’t get out much herself. People actually are really petty and nasty around here. Even in really super “don’t notice me” mode. A simple walk to the store, usually entails people yelling rude things or throwing stuff at you out the car window as they pass by. The people working behind the counters aren’t happy campers.. so they are not pleasant to begin with. So there’s not a lot of nice, rewarding or affirming interactions with people. Sometimes it’s not all about you, or in your head. People around you actually do suck. Being different just makes you a nice, visible target.
I realized today, after agonizing and procrastinating for about 20 minutes. I make decisions to walk to the store, go out, do things, based on whether or not I am up for getting yelled at, or having a soda bottle whipped out of a car window at me today. That blows. I just have to get from point-A to point-B, and get a gallon of milk.
Unless I can drag my Partner, kicking and screaming, with me to Colorado, or just some place less wretched… I am stuck here, and this is just kind of my lot in life, and what I have to work with. It just makes an already daunting task, a lot harder than it needs to be. There could be way worse places, where they’d just outright kill me. But this aint the nicest place on the planet.
Well that is my ration of whining for the day. It is my hope, that most people don’t go though this, but you probably do.
This might be a long series of thoughts on this issue. My transition has been on-again, off-again for many years. I am finding myself in a battle with myself over what I intellectually and spiritually know to be true… and old anxieties that really do not make a lot of sense to allow to dominate me.
First of all. I am just naturally weird. It’s not even a gender thing. The people I find really, physically attractive are not attractive in any conventional way whatsoever, to most people. So in finding my “look”, which is what I am trying to do… I have ZERO chance of “blending in” anyway. If I want to “blend” I can just go back to doing what I have been doing. Just scurrying about my business, keeping my head down, and being as invisible as possible. That worked for me for the past few years of struggle, and trying to heal and keep out of harms way. I want more out of life than that.
Question: Why do I want to “pass” at all? Passing, to me, intellectually, is just conforming to what all these shallow idiots all around us want us to look like. I like to fool myself, and hold some spiritual nonsense belief that I need to love everyone like Jesus or something. But I don’t. I fucking hate people. I hate the way they live. The way they think. The way they hurt each other. I just don’t like people, and can’t understand, for the life of me, why I would want to be accepted or validated. I’m ok just doing me.
Passing, seems holding myself to a standard, that I would never in a million years, hold a cis-woman of my age (or any age) to. I am fighting my facial shape, biology, my height, my shoe size, my hands… to “pass” takes a LOT of work, makeup, and herculean feats of fakery.
Reality: I actually do need to leave the house occasionally. I need to take care of business. I need to meet with future business clients and put my best foot forward. Hopefully, presenting myself as somewhat good looking, and together. And despite all of my philosophies, my intellectual, Vulcan-like stuff I want to hold firm to. That being said. I am not a Vulcan. I am a human being. When I present myself very femme, and every jerk I run into that day calls me “sir”. It bothers me. A LOT more than I like to admit.
So… I am trying to be patient. I have ordered my life, in such a way, that over the coming year, I can take my time and find a balance in my life. Between being me and “fuck the world!”, and presenting myself in a way where I can get done, what I need to get done, in the world outside my head.
Comments are closed on this one. This has just been me journaling, and ranting to myself. Not really open for debate. I am struggling. 🙂
Photo from the wonderful CC library at https://broadlygenderphotos.vice.com/